Who's Watching the Children - Chapter 4

Many of us are just victims of circumstance.

– Author

Two days later, at a church service where her brother is the pastor, Jasmine notices that her brother, Jason, looks just like their father, Clarence.  While sitting in the peanut gallery of sorts, Jasmine watches as he takes the pulpit, in all his own glory; in control of his subjects, the parishioners.  He is in his elemental kingdom now and no one will be allowed to take it from him.  All eyes on him, he takes a deep breath and begins proclaiming his excellence to lead them.

He is autocratic, arrogant, and misogynistic.  No one will fare well in this environment.  No one but he and his chosen brood.  Lover of himself, he is brutal to all those who serve him, even his three children. As she sits and watches the performance, she says to herself, he’s just like his father, and his father, and his father before him.

Now in his early 50s, Jason has seemingly become more thoughtful, humbled by life circumstances and chooses the profession of pastor.  He desires to change the trajectory of his life, somehow.  Estranged from his family for the past five years, he decides to become a pastor, but what type?  How could he be an example of the Good Shepherd.  With low self-esteem that is cloaked in a tattered robe of emotional immaturity, believing that the right woman will bring out the true man that he is supposed to be.  He is ill-equipped.

Contextually, this is not as biblical as he may believe.  Boyhood charm loses its allure over time.  So, to continue his reign over women, pastoring a flock may be his mainstay and only hope.  Never-to-be a benefactor of that proverbial Proverbs 31 woman, he continuously samples the fruit of his congregation to find her. [13].  His healing from the woundedness of a narcissistic family system is ever elusive and the truth is growing increasingly hard to fabricate. 

Looking for the perfect woman did cost Jason though.  The consequences were an HIV diagnosis.  At the age of 26 years old, he was at the height of sowing his wild oats.  A chance encounter with a high school sweetheart sealed the packaged deal.  A clinic downtown delivered the news.  He was prized with a viral load of a little less than 100,000 particles/mL indicating that the virus was actively replicating and progressing the disease.

The reason for this debacle was that his manhood was all tied up in his penis.  That mindless member!  His need for validation has also prized him with three children out of wedlock and one on the way.  What followed afterwards was drama after drama of baby-momma incidents throughout his early years.

Overly body conscious, he wondered how the HIV disease would affect his looks.  Sometimes arrogance knows no bounds.  Now more health conscious, his viral load is under control, and the medication is staving off the worst symptoms of the disease. 

He has never found a woman good enough to marry.  Additionally, his sacrilegious ideals about marriage have him seeking something that is non-existent.  No woman can help him grow a level of consciousness from the inside out that should have been taught to him during his childhood and into his teenage years.  But Jason was one Johnson child that was allowed to run rampant day in and day out with no sense of direction, mentally or emotionally. 

A chaotic spirit is energetically unstable.  So, Jason grew up squandering physical, mental, and emotional energy without discipline or discernment.  Jason has never been a benefactor of positive energy.  If so, he could have attracted other positive influences in his life and maybe gleaned something from them.  Now the leader of a church, they were all looking to him as the source of direction.  How can he then muster up something he doesn’t even recognize that he needs.

Developing behaviors of meandering in our early years can solidify a sense of confidence that living in chaos is okay or even normal.  But nothing is normal or healthy about living in chaos.  Many times, those who seem to thrive in chaos are really just deceiving themselves.  The truth is that chaos produces an addiction to drama.  When things are quiet and peaceful, there will then be a need, within the group, to disrupt that peace in order to get back to their original homeostatic way of life.  Anxiety, fear, and depression are commonplace in chaotic households. 

Thus, the family system will produce connections with people of like mindedness.  And sometimes, the common placed chaos will attract the innocent who are just looking for some form of validation and emotional support for their own woundedness.  Neither is in a better position than the other.

The church service is almost over when Jasmine walks up to the alter and asks one of the women, standing in front of the lectern, for prayer.  The woman asks, “what specifically do you want prayer for?”

Jasmine stepped forward, heart pounding.  “I don’t want money, or silver and gold,” she said.  “I want to understand who I’m meant to be.”  So, there you have it!  Can we blame our children for their confusion and malcontent over the course of their adult lives? 

Yes, we can because once they are handed their independence to grow and mature as responsible adults, it is now their responsibility to develop an understanding of how they have been affected by the behaviors of the adults around them.  Their familial relationships and the environments that they, through no fault of their own, find themselves, will sometimes leave an indelible impression of fear, anxiety, and abandonment. 

Although after being freed by acknowledging this truth, it is a sad fact that this type of emotional freedom brings with it some parental disillusionment.  Subsequently, times get hard when offspring have hashed out the facts of their own existence and ignited a newfound enthusiasm and understanding of life.  Especially when it is radically different from the understanding of certain truths that their parents had lived by.  And that they had no business involving their children in.

Eventually, many times in their adult lives, children won’t include their parents as they mature.  Nonetheless, children will remain broken individuals, affecting future generations, all because of one man’s wounded ego and lack of a healthy resolve.  Now Clarence’s grandchildren and generations to come will be the benefactors of their parents’ disenfranchisement; spiritually and naturally.

Meanwhile at another engagement, Angela Saunders stands and hears the applause of the audience as she walks to the lectern. 

“You are the sum of your family’s past and your past decisions, but none of this can determine who you are the become in light of your ever unfolding future!  The topic of my speech is called, Bringing New Light to the Power of the Human Spirit,” Angela declares.  Standing in a room of more than 1,000 listeners, she graces the stage with poise and purpose.

Angela continues to address the audience, and she adds, “You are a culmination of your individuality and a culmination of your ancestry with the blessing of a new life that should energize you in establishing your own purpose.  That purpose is encased and framed in a personality and disposition called, YOU!”