Offer books to readers everywhere – simply and on your own terms.
Offer books to readers everywhere – simply and on your own terms.
Me
“The ego is you when you think of yourself as separate. It is what produces that illusion of a pure ‘me.’ This me is a con.”
The Self
Upon opening the matrix, it seems the feeling of abandonment has reigned over this life, birthing the idea who can I trust? This lack of trust has pummeled every attempt to experience what is called a ‘normal life.’ Things that were encountered early on reinforced this idea; the odyssey of who is my mother? Who is my father? How could this happen to me?
So, who is this me? What is this me? You ever wonder about me. Seriously, Me. Some point in this life experience, everyone has called themselves, me. Interesting, there is an estimated seven thousand one hundred sixty-eight different languages, and they all say me, understood as me but spelled differently, pronounced differently, and written differently. When ‘me’ is said, everything is affected in a way that no matter what enunciation is used, uttered in every tongue known, it feels the same. It is something about how it centers you, and without effort you are instantly heavily sedated in the Self. In this sedation, thought does not exist and it feels like…well, it feels like waiting. Strangely, that sounds pretty odd, but reasonable in context. Ponder this. When you say me, you inadvertently point to the area of the heart, or center, and within an intense personal moments you palm the area touching all that is good, sort of speak. The magnetic field of the heart is the strongest in the body and it will attract whatever you are feeling, so cultivate it in the feeling of wealth and health; never lack or sickness because you will draw more of those feelings in life. Please understand feelings are controlled by what you focus on, create the feeling of opulence by focusing on abundant thoughts. Again, the heart is the most powerful magnet that you have, so align it with whatever it is you want, and your reality will follow.
Sadly, negative feelings and emotions plagued this life with the esoteric belief that a loving family atmosphere is all that is needed to be successful in life. I had no knowledge of familial bond because of situations beyond my control. Now I am left with “who can I trust?” Mom was either working or afflicted with illness, a candidate for father was vastly out of reach, and home was just broken! There was no real guidance to the surging question. Who am I? This inquiry stayed with me as life progressed, causing an avalanche of unsurety, unbelief, and confusion. Clamoring for answers, always shunned by conditioning and prohibited to ask the right questions. This only fueled the need to create my own identity which did not sit well with those that were charged with proctoring this test called life. So, I assess this life through time; believing as most do even now, “time will tell!” That was the first mistake!
It is funny how one will believe they have ownership of time, that time somehow exists only for them, that time is their servant and their employee. There is no such thing. Time in this reality is all the things that you think you are to it. Do not be fooled by time. It is not absolute, no matter how much it tries to get you to believe that; it is a Bonafide illusion. Time is the master illusionist; courting you into what some may call an arranged marriage. The relationship is plutonic, cosmetic, and just outright deceiving. All attention is channeled toward constructing the perfect identity, as if that will answer the underlying enigma, who am I really? To no avail this is a dead end. However, the press in the construction continues and time continues to laugh at the unaffecting attempt to secure the purpose for encountering life. Time is its own boss but will eagerly profess that it is on your side when it is actually your foe. Deep within there was a belief there has to be something more to this experience called life, but time coaxed my trust and vehemently assured me that ‘you still have me.’
Searching through endless religious beliefs and practices only fatigued the desire for freedom, and true bliss of the pleasantness of life until I blatantly encountered the Self that uttered from within, “trust me just go!” The mind that was been conditioned in religion for over forty years literally went into a massive meltdown because of the thought of all the work that was already completed. There was no chance that this was going to be an easy win, and the mind began to fortify its stance against the demolition of the edifice it believed to be sacred. It is insane how the mind will do everything in desperation to protect the identity of who you believe yourself to be.
Because you are not the body, and are not the mind, that makes ego extremely limited. It has no options without the body and the mind. The only purpose for you being here is to experience all there is to experience beyond ego. Sometimes you have to say, “fuck what I see, and fuck what I hear because I am focused on what I want.” I do not want to hear what I cannot do, and I refuse to listen to any reason why I cannot. So, if what is seen does not match the purpose, then it does not exist! Now, to me, this is strong advice especially amending a conclusion to just say. “fuck it.”
After the passing of mom that was enough trauma, a feeble soul was willing to experience. I was molested and mistreated for sport, (as I gathered). I was expected to accomplish things that I had no knowledge of the functionality. Literally, a young child expected to find its way to school with no help. Hell, sometimes I could not find the bus stop to catch the bus to go to school; a damn first grader! So, I would return home only to be scolded for missing the bus for school, left confused, so very confused! The mind began its plot to jump this sinking ship, just did not realize my mom was not part of the escape; but she fortified my purpose by enlisting one that would assure my safety after her exit. Thanks Mom, you did a solid even on your death bed. This is my fondest memory of Mom. Do not celebrate or throw confetti because this life was like “boot camp,” and if you have ever experienced Marine corps boot camp or special forces training arriving on those yellow footprints early in the morning, then you will understand the gist. Culture shock! A complete “about face.” Still, I was safe amongst what I thought was structure but was really immense conditioning. But I needed it? Time would tell.
Over the course of the next ten years the seed of trauma activated, it was fertile soil for traumatic issues to grow and thrive. Stimulated on Christian belief, it appeared that I finally may get the release from this prison filled with confusion, dysfunction, lackluster; and would you believe, pride. Most of the time I had no clue what was actually going on, just went with the natural flow, or so I thought. Really, I was a “parrot” mimicking what was heard and done in front of me. I began the creation of my own identity trying to elude the chaos but only enhanced it because it was not in the plans of those in authority. Yet I excelled, organically! Meaning, even though I had limited prior knowledge of quite a few things. I not only outperform but perfected it. I have come to realize that as I glance over this life the catalyst for this apparent success was hidden; something was there, a driving force, so it seemed. Not, what I thought it was, like the God or Holy Spirit I was taught about, but rather something more blatant, something more obsessed with solidarity. Often times I did amazed those that were around me because when there was no challenge, I appeared to be lethargic; some would even say weird, always with my head in the clouds. Yeah, some thought I was pretty fucked up, yet revered me because of my capabilities, but feared the mysterious persona; and it is still happening! I used this fear to maneuver and manipulate life’s challenges only to notice none of this was necessary. This made most in my general proximity uneasy, to put mildly; some were pissed off and livid. And would you know, I could not understand why! Yeah, now it makes sense. One of the most intriguing verses in the bible to me was first Corinthians chapter ten verse thirteen, “there hath no temptation taken you, but such as is common to man: God will not suffer you to be tempted above that you are able; but will with the temptation also make a way of escape that you may be able to bear it.” Totally misconstrued the motive of this pointing, it was believed that this was an escape for those who were ignorant and having difficulty processing my actions. I actually thought “man, why are people so fucked up?! I do not understand why they do not get me!” Honestly, I did not get me! I had issues Bro! A lot of issues!
So, I filled my life with as many ephemeral things as I could with hopes that the giant I was forging could defeat this unscrupulous clandestine issue that lurked beneath the persona. Well in the teenage and young adult years the issue grew up together with the persona as conjoined fraternal twins. At this point it was hard to tell them apart even though they were distinctly different. Because they had the appearance of connectivity, there was a failure to disconnect for fear of losing something vital. So, I masked the noticeable oddity with a high level of creativity. I leaned into sports, art, whether it was drawing, acting, or writing, it didn’t matter as long as I excelled enough to muffle the cry of issues that demanded attention.
Finally, accepting the spiritual, I went back to my church roots thinking I could save and heal others of their traumatic issues but laden with my own. That is like an untrained civilian rushing into a burning building to rescue those that are trapped, and your clothes are soaked in gasoline. What a dumb ass! Yet I did it for years on end. However, I came to notice the pitiful revolving door that supplemented escape when things would get a little sketchy. “Gotta go, gotta go” was my mantra. Never understanding why this was eerily convenient and quite freeing, – oh it gets weirder, trust! The only cure would be a paradigm shift. So as a Christian minister in a non-denominational mega church this was the perfect hiding place from all my issues; man was I wrong! Issues were only magnified, because everyone was under the same delusion that church will solve all your issues, and you will come and be wiped clean, fresh as the first winter snow. If you never knew what the definition of fooled or bamboozled was, this is it. No matter, I was determined to be free! So, I ignored the cesspool of false teachings that did not apply to the suppressed cry for help, or the overwhelming silent frustration that made me a prisoner of the mind. There is a saying “the mind is a terrible thing to waste,” and to a certain degree that statement has my validation especially if you are programmed it with, or more so feeding it with fantasies of conditional bliss.
This issue has now fully matured; and like most dependents that have reached the age of maturity, they want to take the lead in the decisive construction of life experience. It has the most cynical and irrational ideas on how to “make the experience better,” all the while worsening it. Some ideas are accepted in terms of longevity, based on the extensive relationship of the issue, as if it has reasonable entitlement. This goes on deceptively forever until you are so exhausted and gassed that you bounce, flee in the wind, escape, or abandon.
Why have I always ran away from issues? Abandonment is a great place to start; it is an experience that integrates itself to you. Camouflaging like an assassin stowed away in a tiny space for days at a time waiting for the perfect opportunity for one shot, one kill, and it has no plans of leaving anytime soon. Like a leech after it attaches itself, you cannot just rip it off, pour alcohol or salt because it runs the risk of it vomiting its poison into the lesion as these can lead to infection impeding normal activity. Another example would be the brown recluse spider that entrenches its venom causing irreparable damage. You may not feel or notice a brown recluse spider bite when it occurs, likewise, abandonment. At first, the bite location may appear like any other pest bite, slightly red, irritated, and sore. In a few days, severe symptoms may increase as the venom destroys the surrounding tissues, and swelling may form. The wound may get bigger, more painful, and darker in color. Necrosis or tissue death occurs when the tissue advances to an ulcer. It becomes blackened and forms a scab that eventually falls off. The venom can penetrate deeper in the tissues, sometimes affecting the fat and muscles. The wound quickly and easily allows an infection to set in, aggravating the wound-healing process. The infection as well as the venom can also spread to the rest of the body and possibly become life-threatening. Often, the bite of a brown recluse spider leaves a crater-like scar, the damage might be deeper, and the scar could be more noticeable even after it has healed completely. Why is it important to bring light to such a vivid description of a bite of a household creepy-crawly? Just like this domestic insect that secures its longevity under the cover of reclusion, so is the reclusive feeling of abandonment. It is irreparable damage that seizes attention, forcing you to include it in all your plans whether you like it or not. And in every issue in life, you will eventually chalk the issue up to “I just can’t deal with this right now.” So, you leave it to abandonment to manage it, seemingly freeing you to be something else, and believing you have left it behind. On the contrary, abandonment is brought along because it is attached to you, and the issue is attached to abandonment. Every issue is evaluated, processed, classified, registered, and stored in abandonment. You wonder the first time why you ran, or get the feeling of running? That would be the time when you first felt abandoned. The feeling of seeing that significant one, like a parent, leaving you. For example, your father in denial of “how could this child be mine,” and shortly after, your mother, exiting this planet at an early age with only an obscure memory of who she was. That is extremely traumatic and that feeling molds you; it even gains dominance in the relationship with your own children, because you accepted the outcome. “I was just a child,” you say. I could not control this adult’s responsibility! How could I even accept it? Hell, I did not have the mental capacity to discern whether to accept or deny.
Recent evidence shows abandonment can be linked to DNA. Yes, and it is still stored within your DNA. You bought it in, and now you are left with this issue; like being stuck in a dilapidated home, hazardous waste plant, and yeah, it is abandoned! Every thought to demolish it is deterred with another thought, and this is pretty sadistic, but the deterring thought is the thought of losing the feeling of abandonment. Sad, just sad. You are being purposely distracted. Distracted of the location of the feeling, which is why you push away from an issue and the reason that you are afraid to be abandoned again. So, you leave. You cannot be the one being left. You know, “I will leave you before you leave me.” Coherency is not attractive to you, being that the distraction has you in such a dense fog, the attention can only focus on the feeling of abandonment. The mind investigates and draws a conclusive thought that this is a legitimate matter and needs incessant attention. From its initial evaluation the mind devises a plan of action to prove the validity for this constant attention to this area by imposing the allegation of pride and haughtiness, deliberating that you have to maintain a “positive attitude” versus allowing negativity to influence future outcome. You are bullshitting yourself! You do not deserve this! Stop it! Just stop it! No, no. Stop allowing this obscurity to only coagulates resentment. This emotion affects you deeply as it tends to impair any close relationships for fear of the thought of experiencing rejection.
Why is it always about ‘me’? Me, it sounds personal, but it is really not. Do you really trust me? What is the me that is so hard to trust? In the classic sense of self, the “me” is seen as separate from everything else, separate from other people, separate from the world around you, and even separate from the body and mind. Non-duality overturns that idea. There is no real separation between you and anything else in this world. Everything is connected, and that perception of a separate “me” is actually just an illusion.
The ego is you when you think of yourself as separate. It produces that illusion of a pure “me.” This is a con. It will gain your confidence to find a soft spot in your armor only to expose and exploit your trust. So, you understand, it is about seeing through that illusion and realizing that the ego is not what it portrays to be. It is the version of you that focuses on self-preservation and argues a positive self-opinion of yourself. One would say it is like the mind’s built-in defense mechanism that superficially keeps you safe and feeling ‘good. More bullshit! The ego is kind of like the ‘me’ on steroids. It is that voice in your head that shouts, “I need this” or “I deserve that”. It is ‘the you’ that is attached to issues and becomes distressed when things do not go your way. The ego loves to separate issues into good and bad, but the truth is, that is not the best way to look at it and not helpful at all. Perhaps a clearer direction to think is there is no ego to think of, which always focused on existence and imagery. But then there is your Pure Self, which is united to every single one. ‘Be’, instead of ‘me’.
This all sounds wonderful, but the truth is resentment can have an intense and detrimental impact on one who has been abandoned. An emotional toll has to be paid to cross the bridge of abandonment. Treading lightly, understand that resentment feeds persistent anger and bitterness towards the one who abandoned you. This will exhaust thoughts and make it hard to discover the joys in life. Conceiving trust issues that severely eat into the core of anything and anyone. Resentment makes it difficult to trust, especially anyone unfamiliar, fearing they will recognize the concealment of this issue and also leave. Isolation is the preferred weapon used to regulate any meaningful relationship, bombarding the relationship with the subversive and unshakeable feeling that stems from depression and anxiety. What is left is a monstrous amount of blaming yourself. This is the worst thing that you can do, questioning, “what did I do wrong?” Self-esteem is wrecked at this point and moving on from this can block healing and thwart the capacity of attempting to drain abandonment of the energy it thrives from. The present moment, which is a sanctuary, is not viable because you are commissioned to focus on the past instead of the present, seeking a future which will never come. This issue can demonstrate pessimistic behaviors against those that are genuine.
Withdrawing is the first initial reaction, followed by being overly critical of the smallest thing, which will sabotage all significant bonds that have literally earned. In my case, the reliance of past substance abuse seems to numb the pain of resentment. It is important to remember this is a choice as all major emotions and feelings are. It is understandable to feel hurt and angry after abandonment but holding onto resentment is your choice! Trust yourself and know that healing is possible, and overcoming resentment and healing from trauma of abandonment is absolutely a thing! The thing is, all of this could have been avoided if you had only observed and then let go when you encountered the feeling.
